A Day in the Life of Hades
Instead of posting several articles, I instead will post this story I wrote. Enjoy, and if you like it, spread it around. Also please leave comments! It motivates me to write!
Hades, Lord of the Underworld, the Hidden, the Wealthy, the Oath-Watcher, awoke early one morning despite his best efforts to remain asleep. Groaning, he got out of his bed, stood up, and walked out of his room, softly closing the door so that he would not wake his wife Persephone. Walking down a long, spiral staircase, he finally reached the lower corridors of his manor, and walked down one to the kitchen. He walked in and leaned on the counter, waiting for his chef to come in. After ten minutes, his chef Agata Krolek came in.
“Good morning, my lord. Having trouble sleeping again?” asked Agata, a young , red-haired woman apparently in her early twenties.
“Yeah, you could say; tell me, how long has this been going on?” asked Hades, his head resting in his palm.
“I’d say roughly three months now, sir. What do you think the problem could be?” asked Agata.
“Oh, I just don’t know, Agata; I swear, I try doing the best I can. I make sure everyone is judged accurately by Minos and the others, I try to make this existence as comfortable as I can for them. Why would Hypnos deny me sleep?”
“I’m not sure, my lord. What can I serve you today?”
“I’ll have some coffee, Ethiopian, and a couple of croissants. Big ones, no butter. Also, some bacon would be nice.”
“Right away, my lord.”
Hades went to his throne, now more like a desk after the recent innovations, and sat down. He booted up his computer (it’s the modern age, you know) and set to work categorizing the various profiles Thanatos would be bringing him today. At this time, Hermes came in, swooping down from the ceiling with his winged sandals.
“Good morning, my dear Uncle! How are you today?” asked Hermes, his skinny frame landing on the chair in front of Hades’ desk.
“Oh, I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep well, that’s all.” said the lord of the underworld as he sipped his coffee from a mug saying World’s Best Underworld-Lord on it.
“Ah, I see. So how’s Persephone?”
“She’s fine. She’s just settling in after moving back from Olympos for the Summer. It took her a couple decades to get used to the place when I married her, but she really has taken a shine to it the past couple of millenniums. How’s the Psychopomp business going?”
“Wonderful! Charon should be arriving any minute now with the new arrivals!”
“Good. I’m sure it’s been easier the past couple of centuries with the new agency you’ve made. Sure is easier then guiding all of those souls yourself!”
“It sure is! Instead of serving a couple hundred souls a day, I’ve been able to serve thousands! The Afterlife Directory is very happy about it!”
“Of course. It means less complaints filed against them!” at this, both Hades and Hermes shared a laugh.
There was a ring, and Hermes lifted his cellphone out of his satchel and held it to his ear.
“Hello, this is Hermes speaking, how may I help you?”
After a moment, Hermes nodded and turned off the phone.
“Have to get going. Charon just called saying he’s arrived. Bye, now!”. Hermes then took off, flying into the air as gracefully on his winged sandals. Afterward, Hades cracked his knuckles, stretched out in his chair, and resumed typing and organizing.
Hades sat back in his chair thinking about what to do with a certain case. The profile of one Sebastian Hernandez was open on his computer. According to the profile, Sebastian died being ran over by a train as his car stalled on the train tracks. After arriving in the Directory, he filed a complaint, stating that he didn’t deserve to die like that, and that he demands reparations. This would be all fine and dandy if it weren’t for the fact that he died several years ago, and had been waiting for someone to examine his case that whole time. Hades sighed, and picked up the phone on his desk, punching in the number for the Directory. He was not going to like having to deal with this.
Hades sat back in his chair, arms folded, with a face that showed intense focus. Next to him, sitting on her throne comfortably, was Persephone, who was currently knitting. After a while, she spoke.
“Hades, darling, what’s the matter?”
“Aw, nothing, dear. Just not looking forward to the meeting, that’s all”. He had scheduled the meeting for Sebastian at 12:00 P.M., and was not looking forward to telling him the bad news that reparations were impossible.
After a moment of silence, Persephone turned on the large television mounted on the wall opposite of Hades’ desk. After sifting through the millions of channels available to Afterlife personnel, she finally settled on a show about the beautiful beaches of Planet Hairron.
“We should take a vacation one day, dear. It would do both of us good!” said Persephone to her husband.
“What, and leave the Afterlife to someone unqualified. No!”
“Why, dear? I’m sure you can find somebody capable enough. I know it’s a delicate process, but you got to have faith in someone to run things while you’re gone!” said Persephone with a smile.
“We’ve been over this, Persephone. Last time we left for vacation, when we got back Thanatos was trapped in a jar and nobody was dying! How the hell do you trap DEATH ITSELF in a jar?!”
“Now, honey, that was so long ago! I’m sure you can trust one of your new aides with the task!”.
After a moment of silence, Persephone got off her chair, knealed down by Hades, clasped her hands together, and looked up at him.
“Ple-e-e-e-ease?” she said, doing her best impression of a young kid asking his parents for a puppy. After several minutes of this, Hades rolled his eyes, sighed, and said “Alright, I’ll ask around.”
After shouting “YAY!”, she flung her arms around him, kissed his cheek, and skipped out of the room.
“Women..” Hades groaned.
“So, as I was saying,” spoke Sebastian Hernandez, who spoke more like an attorney then the plumber that he was in life.
“due to the unjust ramifications of my demise, the car stalling JUST as the train was coming, ensuring my UNJUST demise, I DEMAND that I be re-payed in full, and be brought back to life, so that I can continue my business as I was. Any questions?”
He had been rambling on like this for roughly fifteen minutes, and must of used the word “Unjust” at least a hundred times in that period. Hades was starting to get irritated.
“Well?” asked Sebastian.
Hades paused for a moment, then spoke.
“Well, Mr. Hernandez, though your argument is, er, sound, I’m sorry to tell you that it is beyond my power to grant you the reparations you seek.”
“What are you talking about? You’re the Death God, aren’t you? Why can’t you fix it?”
“Well, for starters, I’m not the Death God; that would be Thanatos. Secondly, I was not the overseer of your death; that would Xolotl. Thirdly, in order to bring you back to where you were several years ago would require a reversal of time, which would require an appeal to the House of Time-Lords, which alone would take 100,000 years at best to get all of the proper paperwork done, and would require the coordination of billions of deities all throughout the Universe. Even then, the Time-Lords would probably take one look at your appeal, laugh, and then continue on with their business.”
All was silent for a moment. Then:
“Well, can’t you do anything?”
At this, Hades just sighed, sunk into his chair, and just gave up trying to talk sense into the man.
I need a Vacation thought Hades.
Hades, having finished all of the filing for the day, was sitting at his desk playing Starcraft. In days past it would get quite boring after this, but the advent of modern technology meant that Hades would never be bored again. (However, it did have the side-effect of making him less patient). Persephone was in her seat again, this time watching a nature program about various minor dragon species.
“Honey, can we watch a movie?” asked Persephone.
“Sure, dear. What would you like to watch?”
“Um… I was thinking of watching that new Disney movie Prin-”
“NO. No. Nononononononono-NO!” said Hades, shouting the final “no”.
“Because of their uncalled-for portrayal of me in Hercules. I mean, what the hell? BLUE FIRE for hair? And, to add insult to injury, they white-wash Hera by making ME Hercules’ antagonist! Also, where the heck were you in the movie? Did they even bother to properly research the film? All they had to do was pick up a copy of Bullfinch’s Mythology! He neatly summarizes everything in an understanding and umambiguous way! Why-”
“Alright, I get it, we won’t watch any Disney movies. How about a Romantic Comedy? You love those.”
After a brief moment of thinking, Hades and Persephone both decided to watch Fight Club instead.
Hades was at the dinner table, being served a delicious Roast Beast (yes, beast) along with spiced and seasoned vegetables and Cod. At his right was Persephone, to his left was a vaguely-Algerian man named Adherbal, wearing a white tunic, cloak, and turban. Several chairs down sat Slawodon Wyszewolsky, a young man with short dark hair, and Agata Krolek.
Hades had been mulling over his decision for vacation since that afternoon. He stopped eating and looked at Adherbal.
“Adherbal, what would your response be if I said that I was planning a vacation?”
Adherbal had to keep himself from choking on his food. A smile appeared across Slawodon’s face, and Agata seemed vaguely shocked.
“You really mean it, dear?!” asked a now excited Persephone.
“Yes, and I would like to request the three of you to look after the place when I’m gone.”
“So that’s why you had us sit down with yuh guys.” said Slawodon, his eyes closed, still smiling as he sipped his wine.
“Why, sir,” said Adherbal, “When do you plan on leaving?”
“In two days. I’ve already booked a week in the Blue Havens of G’Maru.”
“Oh, I LOVE that place! I’ve heard that they have the universe’s tastiest fruit!” said a still very happy Persephone.
“Then I shall make the necessary preparations” stated Adherbal, his composure now regained.
“Then let it be.” said the very-silent Agata.
Hades laid on his bed, pondering, whilst Persephone read a copy of Hilligabl’s The Rat in the City.
“What are you thinking of, dear?”
“Oh, nothing. I’m just thinking of what to take with us to G’Maru, that’s all. It should be rather nice this time of year. Also…”
A pause, then,
“…I’m concerned about leaving. Are you sure that I can trust Adherbal and the others with the place?”
“Of course you can, dear. That’s why you picked them.”
“Well, I guess you’re right.”
Persephone then placed her book on the side table, kissed her husband on the cheek, and turned off the lamp by the side of the bed.
“Good night, Hades.”
“Good night, dear.”